Monday, December 16, 1996

Movie Review: Jerry Maguire

Show me the money!

I know I'm guilty of not seeing a lot of the movies that critics and other elitists are lauding as the "best movies of 1996", such as "The English Patient" (plan to see), "The People Vs. Larry Flynt" (plan to see), and others.

But of the movies I've seen in 1996, "Jerry Maguire" is my pick for the best of the year. (And,I did see "Fargo", so step off). This movie was funny, complex, endearing, and inspiring.

Personally, I'm not a big Tom Cruise fan. But everything, including Cruise, was perfect in this film. The writing was tight and fun, the characters were complex and motivated, and Cameron Crowe's direction was flawless. The cast - Cruise, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Jonathan Lipnicki, and the drool-inducing (at least for me) Renee Zellweger - are all outstanding.

I urge you if you're staying away from this movie to bite the bullet and check it out.


Monday, July 8, 1996

Movie Review: Independence Day

On Mon, 8 Jul 1996, a friend of mine wrote:

> [Re: Independence Day]

> Hmmm....well, I thought it was cute. Not worth the eight bucks > though...but not much is worth that these days. ;)

While I agree with the latter part of your statement ("not much is worth that these days"), you need to step off with the former part ("Not worth the eight bucks"). I haven't been so thoroughly entertained by a movie since Speed, 2 years ago. While it's no Citizen Kane, ID4 doesn't try to be. It succeeds in everything it tried to be: Spirited, big, loud, scary, and, most importantly, fun. This is the one movie this summer that can be forgiven for having little or no character depth or development. Sure, it had a little (namely the President, going from a 40% approval rating and an indecisive personality at the film's beginning, to a take-action, kick-ass leader; Jeff Goldblum's character also undergoes admittedly minimal development, but development nonetheless). But that's not important. The characters do advance the story: as a result of their actions, things happen, to which they, in turn, have to react to as well. It wasn't like what Chong said about Mission: Implausible: "this happens, then this happens, then this happens."

July 2 (the approach) was flawless. Talk about a tension-builder. It's not characters you start worrying about, but the entire world, yourself included.

July 3 (the attack) was near perfect. If not for the stripper's dog making it into the little maintenance closet in the tunnel just before the fireball, it would have been better. Plus, I hate that stupid little Nicky kid from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. He bugs.

July 4 (the retaliation) was just plain fun. From the President's speech to the final air battle, I was on the edge of my seat. Plus, there were some great laughs, like when Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum's characters hide behind their chairs when the alien flight controller looked in the window, and then when they waved just before leaving.

Other Reasons This Movie Is Ultra-Cool:

  1. People Die -- Aside from the afore-mentioned dog, the filmmakers had the balls to kill millions of people. Though they didn't show much blood or gore, they were not ambiguous about it either. You knew those morons on top of the First Interstate building ate it. Plus all the people in the streets of New York City, including that annoying Harvey Feirstein. Plus, they had the balls to kill off the First Lady. Too many movies lately don't let any main or semi-main characters die. This one had the balls to do it.
  2. It was 2 and a half hours -- I wanted it to last longer. When they showed "July 3", I was sad because I wanted more "July 2". Likewise when they got to the 4th.
  3. It was fucking loud -- always a good quality in a film.
  4. Will Smith's sunglasses -- they were awesome.
  5. The Stripper was Pole-Dancing -- the most unnecessary scene in the film, but it was fun to watch.
  6. The Alien popping out of its bio-suit -- made my asshole pucker
  7. Harry Connick, Jr. was killed -- Heh, heh, heh.
  8. Great Audience -- I don't think it's possible to see this with a bad audience. I bet if everyone in the theater was over 80, they'd still be cheering by the movie's end.

Anyway, needless to say, I loved it. I'm gonna blow another eight bucks or two on it. This is the type of movie that nags me to buy a Home Theater System.

Tuesday, February 20, 1996

Movie Review: Happy Gilmore

I have never laughed at any movie so hard in my life!!!!! Adam Sandler is a comic genius. There is a catch though: you have to abandon all intelligence before the movie starts.

It truly is a very, very stupid film, but there are scenes in it that are just classic. I don't want to ruin it for you - I'll only tell you that Bob "The Price is Right" Barker is in probably the funniest sequence ever captured on film.

There is just some random crap thrown in that makes it seem like a live episode of the Simpsons: Funny things will occur for no reason. Bizarre characters, like this guy with a nail in his head (I'm not spoiling anything, 'cuz he's in the opening credits), impossible human feats.

My point, I guess: If you liked Billy Madison, you will LOVE Happy Gilmore. If you didn't like Billy Madison, you will ENJOY Happy Gilmore. If you HATED Billy Madison, you will probably HATE Happy Gilmore.

On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being best, I give Happy Gilmore an 8 -- it made me cry, I was laughing so hard.

Also, Carl "Apollo Creed" Weathers is in it.

Plus, people are mean to the elderly.

Monday, January 1, 1996

A Whole Nude World

As sung to the tune of "A Whole New World", from Aladdin.

I can show you my penis,
Big and sparkling and splendid,
I can make it extended
On my magic mattress ride.

I can open your thighs,
Rock your body like thunder,
Over, sideways, and under
On my magic mattress ride.

A whole nude world,
A new fantastic way to screw,
Everyone tells me "no,"
I need a blow,
So I can start my screaming.

A whole nude world,
My sizzling space you never knew,
But when you're way down there,
Engrossed in hair,
Now I'm in a whole nude world with you.

Now I'm in a whole nude world with you.

Unbelievable size,
Indescribable squealing,
Leaning, bending, and kneeling
At my moist and gaping thighs.
A whole nude world

Don't you dare close your thighs

A hundred thousand sperm in me

Hold your breath-- it gets better

I'm like a shooting star,
I've come so far,
I can't go back to my virginity.

A whole nude world

Every thrust of your thighs

With new positions we can screw

Every moment gets wetter

I'll lick you anywhere,
Hey, I don't care,
Let me share this whole nude world with you.

A whole nude world

A whole nude world

That's where we'll be

That's where we'll be

A thrilling taste

Of my hot place

To you from me.

You Might Be a College Student if...

1.      ... you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen.

2. ... you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.

3. ... you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.

4. ... you have ever written a check for 45 cents.

5. ... you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles.

6. ... you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without

7. ... your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal
Plastic Cups (ie. Olympic Dream Team I or II).

8. ... your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry

9. ... you cannot remember when you last washed your car.

10. ... you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a
pick-up (one trip).

11. ... you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural

12. ... the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and
introduce yourself.

The Tandem Story

An assignment actually turned in by two English students:

Rebecca and Gary English 44A
Creative Writing
Prof Miller

In-class Assignment for Wednesday

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

- the resulting untitled story -

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far ..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth ... when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

You total asshole.

Stupid shit.

10 More Ways to Annoy Your Professor

The first 25 Ways...

1. Ask stupid questions such as: "Is ear wax poisonous?" When your professor says no, jump up and yell,"Thank God! I'm going to survive!"

2. In the middle of class stand up and walk out. A couple of minutes later come back in and sit back down. Act as though nothing happened. Do this every 20 minutes.

3. Fake an orgasm in the middle of your professor's lecture. If he/she asks about it say that their lecture was really compelling.

4. Pretend to be sleeping. Then in the middle of your professor's lecture jump up and yell,"Where the hell am I!" Then sit back down and go back to sleep.

5. Run out of class screaming,"Someone please stop the itching, I'm covered in fleas!" A couple of minutes later walk back into class and act as though nothing happened.

6. If you have an early class, at the start of class begin shaving with an electric razor. If your professor protests, say,"I wouldn't have to shave right now if you didn't schedule your class so early." Continue shaving.

7. Wear a hockey helmet everyday to class. If your professor asks about it say that you can never be too careful. One day don't wear the helmet and say you don't think you need it anymore. The next day come in with your head wrapped in bandages.

8. In the middle of your professor's lecture about a war start booing. Say that you were cheering for the country that lost.

9. Ask for an extension on your paper and when your professor asks why say, "THEY'RE" after you and you have to leave the country for a while" If your professor asks who "THEY'RE" is say that he already knows too much and they may come after him they find out.

10. Instead of writing notes on what your professor says, make up your own notes. Then when you write a test use the information from your notes as answers. When you get the test back, act outraged and show your professor your notes and claim that he said all these things.(only do this on tests that don't matter).

25 Ways To Annoy Your Professor

  1. Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if you have a question, and mumble your question incoherently while brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor objects to your actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.

  2. Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far away from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shout out things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because you're scouting the room for "assassins."

  3. If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock. Wear your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the blankets and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about two minutes into class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the "snooze" button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration of the class.

  4. Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to get him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a big liar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying, "Stop writing down all these lies!"

  5. Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a bicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take a seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.

  6. Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks, papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter how small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a panic. Don't return for the rest of class.

  7. Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway through class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!" Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class.

  8. Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair. Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please kill me!" Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking. Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you back up. When class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up, and run home.

  9. Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into class, release the hornets, scream, and run away.

  10. Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand sitting in this pig sty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.

  11. Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN...."

  12. Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects, explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.

  13. When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it, give it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit.

  14. Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get your professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water pistol, scream, and run around the room knocking things over. Say, "Pretty scary, huh?"

  15. Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers are going to arrive.

  16. Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class. Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All" or "Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About." Give the paintings to your professor as gifts.

  17. Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, "Bingo!" Apologize, and explain that you got confused.

  18. Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it, and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra credit.

  19. Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15 minutes late. Go ahead and start without me." Wait outside the building until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note to a rock, and throw it through the window.

  20. Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think up a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to class and perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that he/she is "very inspiring."

  21. Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor that you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and relax during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When it comes time to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, "I wish I had a banana" and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming you get a bad grade, angrily fire the monkey in front of your professor.

  22. When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it on the sluggishness of the postal service.

  23. Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act interested, and write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic interludes and turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make copies for the entire class, and your professor. Demand extra credit.

  24. Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next to them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck" and "You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you."

  25. Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have frequent discussions during class. Act like you're really interested in what you're discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you, act annoyed and motion for him/her to quiet down.
10 More Ways...

Final Exam Questions That Would Suck

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time Limit: 4 hours.

Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Define management. Define science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs.

The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel is appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Define the universe; give three examples.

41 More Fun Things To Do in a Final That Does Not Matter

The Original 30 Things...

  1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
  2. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
  3. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
  4. Bring cheerleaders.
  5. Bring pets.
  6. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
  7. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
  8. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
  9. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
  10. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
  11. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
  12. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
  13. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
  14. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
  15. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
  16. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
  17. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
  18. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
  19. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
  20. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
  21. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
  22. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
  23. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"
  24. Make Strange noises... get people to stare... look at the person next to you as if he\she did it.
  25. Write a short story about your childhood, or an experience that you once had. If you can't think of anything, make something up. Be creative. End the story with "I just thought I should tell you."
  26. Wear a mask or costume, pretend that you really DO think that you're someone else.
  27. Play loud music.
  28. When you turn in your test, take all the ones under it and throw them away or keep them or put your name on some of them. Do it casually, as if that's what you are supposed to do after an exam.
  29. Dress like the professor.
  30. Cross-Dress.
  31. Borrow a friend's Video taping equipment and set up a lot of lights and a camera around your desk. Call out instructions to imaginary people who are supposed to be working the equipment.
  32. Two words: Plastic Explosives.
  33. Bring food or Drinks, pass them out to the class as if you're supposed to be giving samples for a fund raiser. Use the words "Would you buy something like this if we had a bake sale?" It doesn't matter if they are baked goods or not.
  34. Trip people as they walk by your desk.
  35. Read all the questions out loud like Rain Man.
  36. Walk around the room and ask people if there is anything that you can help them with. Speak loudly stutter and spit. Make a show of it.
  37. Make several origami animals out of the test papers. Re-enact scenes from your favorite soap opera with them.
  38. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her.
  39. Fake an orgasm. When interrupted, apologize, and explain that question #__ moved you, deeply.
  40. Order catering. The catering company should come in about halfway through the test, and should include at least three waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.
  41. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay, let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C. Number three, E...."

30 Things To Do on an Exam When You Know That You Are Going To Fail It Anyways

1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.

7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)

15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.

24. Masturbate.

25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!

27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41 More Things...

How To Write A College Paper

1.Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2.Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3.Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

4.Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.

5.When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

6.Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

7.You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it our of the way so you can concentrate.

8.Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9.Listen to one side of your favorite cd and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.

10.Listen to the other side.

11.Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

12.Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large.

13.Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

14.Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.

15.Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) movie starring Don Ameche.

16.Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

17.Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.

18.Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

18.5. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

19.Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

20.Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

21.Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

22.Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.

23.Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

24.Lie face down on the floor and moan.

25.Leap up and write the paper.

50 Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Day of Class

  1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

  2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

  3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"

  4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

  5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

  6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".

  7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"

  8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".

  9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".

  10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.

  11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

  12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

  13. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

  14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

  15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex Machine."

  16. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.

  17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

  18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

  19. Address students as "worm".

  20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

  21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

  22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

  23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.

  24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.

  25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

  26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

  27. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

  28. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.

  29. Growl constantly and address students as "matey".

  30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".

  31. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.

  32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

  33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"

  34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".

  35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.

  36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.

  37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

  38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

  39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

  40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.

  41. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk".

  42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

  43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

  44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

  45. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

  46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

  47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

  48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

  49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field".

  50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"

Course Grade Change Request Form


To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________

I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be
changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:

______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get
______Medical School ______Graduate School
______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority
______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech
______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in
______5. I'll lose my scholarship.
______6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a
copy of your exam.
______7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used
did not cover the materisal asked for on the exam.
______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every
little fact.
______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams
asked about general principles.
_____10. You are prejudiced against:
______Males ______Jews ______Blacks
______Females ______Catholics ______Whites
______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities
______Chicanos ______People ______Students
_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or
at least cut my allowance.
_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the
following illness:
______mono ______broken baby finger
______acute alcoholism ______pregnancy
______VD ______fatherhood
_____13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly
how you wanted that done.
_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
_____15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
_____16. The lectures were:
______too detailed to pick out important points
______not explained in sufficient detail
______too boring
______all jokes and not enough material
______all of the above
_____17. This course was:
______too early, I was not awake.
______at lunchtime, I was hungry
______too late, I was tired
_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my
(book, notes, paper) for this course.
_____19. Other___________________________________________________

Getting Even with M.I.T.

The first letter is one MIT sends out, the second is one they got back.

April 18, 1994

Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567

Dear John:

You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be.

But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.

The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!

Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.

What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here is tough and demanding, but it's also fun. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom.

You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.

You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?


Michael C. Benhke Director of Admissions

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.

May 5, 1994

Michael C. Benhke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307

Dear Michael:

You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be.

But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only one of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.

The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!

Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.

What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I am self indulgent and over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.

You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.

You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?


John Mongan

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.

USC (University of Southern California) Application for Admission

_/ _/ _/_/_/_/_/ _/_/_/_/_/
_/ _/ _/ _/
_/ _/ _/_/_/_/_/ _/ TROJANS
_/ _/ _/ _/
_/_/_/_/_/ _/_/_/_/_/ _/_/_/_/_/


Application for Admission

Name: Last: First: Suffix:

Home address:

Palm Springs Address:

Height: Weight: Bust (if applicable):

Bench Press: Hair color (natural):

Which of the following body types is nearest to yours (circle one):
mesomorph ectomorph endomorph
(Please ask your doctor if you don't know what these words mean)

Personal bank interest (US and foreign) accrued this past fiscal year:

Are you a football player? If "Yes", please skip to the last line of
this application.

Number of hired servants in your household:
Number of slaves:

BMW type: Year: Model: Accessories:

List all of YOUR personal major credit cards:

Estimate your parents' yearly income (round off to the closest $50,000;
use exponents if necessary and if you know what they are):

Have you read a book this year? IF "Yes", why?

Have you ever held a job your parents didn't get you? If "Yes", why?

Name five of the United States (for instance, California, New York,
Illinois, Texas, Florida):

What is your favorite prime time sitcom?

Which gossip magazines do you read regularly?

Essays: (answer one question)

(1) Have you ever spoken with a Black person? Describe the experience.

(2) You are going to be stranded at a desert resort hotel for three
weeks. You will be allowed to bring along only five (5) of your family's
servants. Which servants will you bring? Why?

(3) You are trapped in the Beverley Hills I. Magnin for one (1) hour with
only ten thousand (10,000) dollars to spend. What will you buy? Why?

If you can, please send along a high school transcript (your grades) and
also the enclosed tennis pro recommendation. 8 x 10 gloosy portraits of
yourself may be substituted in lieu of (instead of) an official
transcript (your grades)

I swear that the information presented is reasonaly accurate:

Signature (that's a messy version of your printed name):

Approximate date:

How Somebody Got Into College: A Modest Essay


I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

College Admissions, by Dave Barry

Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.)

College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.

Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:

  • Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect phone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.
  • Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.

It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize - don't ask me why - the names of three other metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of brain cells.

After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most about. Here is a very important piece of advice: BE SURE TO CHOOSE A MAJOR THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE KNOWN FACTS AND RIGHT ANSWERS.

This means you must not major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wonder into class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your results to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with exactly the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.

So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology - subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:

ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: NEVER SAY ANYTHING ABOUT A BOOK THAT ANYBODY WITH ANY COMMON SENSE WOULD SAY. For example, suppose you are studying _Moby-Dick_. Anybody with any common sense would say Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in your paper, you say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked _Moby-Dick_ anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.

PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.

PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor.

Studying dreams is more fun. I had one professor who claimed everything we dreamed about - tractors, Arizona, baseball, frogs - actually represented a sexual organ. He was very insistent about this. Nobody wanted to sit near him. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.

SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into a scientific sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: "Methodological observations of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematured isolates indicates that a causal relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.